The Art of Listening: What does it mean to listen well?

As I wrap up this blog series on The Art of Listening, I want to revisit the fundamental question: What does it mean to listen well?

Listening well means that you are genuinely open to hearing another person’s experience of reality, without placing a judgment on it. This forms the foundation for any healthy relationship.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t have opinions, feelings, or preferences about what someone says. Certainly you can have a different experience or perspective. In fact, I am quite suspicious of people who say they agree with their partner or friends about everything! If that is the case, then there is not likely to be a lot of honest communicating happening in that relationship.

Listening well simply means that you are able to suspend your opinions, feelings, or preferences for a time while the other person is sharing so that you can hear them fully. It means you are able to tolerate those differences without being reactive. It means you are open to being challenged and even changed by a different experience of reality.

That is the heart of intimacy - to nonjudgmentally listen to the experience of another’s reality, and to receive that same space in return. The connection and transformation that can happen when we choose to give (and receive!) this kind of space to another is amazing to behold.

Oftentimes, there is so much more available to us in relatiohips than we even realize! What would it look like for you to start cultivating this type of intimacy in your relationships today? What would it feel like?

Happy Listening!

The Art of Listening: When does listening well make a difference in the counseling relationship?

Listening well is the foundation of a successful counseling relationship. But how exactly can this play out?

Clients often come in wanting me to give them advice or tell them what to do. (Spoiler Alert: counselors do neither of these things most of the time!). In these situations, I try to listen for both the content and the emotion in what they are saying. What I usually find is that they have a lot of anxiety as well as a tendency to question themselves on a regular basis.

When this is the case, my job is to reflect that back to them and bring it into their awareness. Not only that, but to take them deeper to where that tendency may originate. For instance, people who tend to doubt themselves often have a low sense of self worth because of difficult experiences or a lack of emotional attunement in childhood. My role as the counselor is to unearth the pain of that for them, to help them come to terms with it, and ultimately to help them learn to both trust and value themselves.

The insight and self-awareness that emerges from this exchange can be transformational for people. If I would have listened only superficially and merely given advice in this scenario, it would have been to miss the heart of the matter. Clients wouldn’t have had the same opportunity to grow.

At the same time, it can be an incredibly empowering experience for clients to realize that they already have many of their own answers within themselves. They already have the resources to handle life, even though they might be out of touch with them because of being consistently invalidated by others. My job is simply to draw their God-given capacity out of them by listening well.

Do you find yourself asking others for advice much of the time? How often do you find that you trust yourself on any given day? If you have trouble in either of these areas, the skilled listening that happens in counseling may be a powerful next step for you!

The Art of Listening: What happens to a person when they feel they are being listened to, or not listened to?

The experience of being listened to, and not being listen to, can impact us in more ways than we might think. I see this playing out all the time in the lives of my clients. What happens in either of these scenarios, and what does counseling have to do with it?

When you listen well to a person, you honor their inherent worth and dignity as a human being. We live in a culture where there is such a lack of deep listening, that the experience of undivided attention can be transformational.

It is incredibly validating and healing to be listened to. That’s one of the reasons why counseling works. When you feel genuinely listened to, and therefore safe, you can say difficult and even shameful things to someone who does not react negatively - who does not pass judgment on or abandon you. This communicates the message that you are are still loveable, and shame loses it’s power.

It holds true in other contexts that, when you give someone else space to speak and truly be heard, they are more likely to try to offer you that same space. This can’t help but improve the relationship.

On the contrary, to not listen well is to shut down another person’s experience of reality. The message communicated is that the person is not important or worthy of attention, which can lead to feelings of frustration and shame.

Oftentimes, people who have been repeatedly invalidated in this way lose touch with their opinions, feelings, and preferences. They learn to doubt their perceptions.

Counseling is the process of helping people regain access to that true self by giving people the experience of consistent, deep listening they never received. Only then can they experience themselves as lovable and begin to trust their perceptions. The goal is for them to eventually be able to access their own capacity to listen well to others.

How does this apply to your own journey? Do you have people in your life who listen to you consistently and deeply? How able do you feel you are to offer that space to others?

The Art of Listening: What are some ways to be a better listener?

Listening is one of the most important things we can do as human beings. Yet, we often don’t think about the mechanics of how we actually listen to others on a daily basis.

As a counselor, I am in a unique situation because I am always aware of ways I can be a better listener with my clients. I’ve learned simple tools over the years that have helped me to do my job well, and they can help you, too!

So, what are some ways to be a better listener?

The first step is looking at your body language. This can mean maintaining eye contact, turning your body to face the person you are talking, and leaning in. Mirroring the speaker’s body positions can also be effective.

At the same time, asking open-ended questions can convey genuine interest, which means questions that ask for information beyond a simple “yes or no” answer.

Another helpful tool is to summarize what you think you heard the person say and repeat it back to them. You can start with, “What I hear you saying is…” and ask if you missed anything.

If you don’t understand something, ask for clarity. This may seem obvious, but it is actually quite rare and can be very meaningful. It conveys genuine caring. In addition, make sure to listen not only for content but also for the emotions being conveyed. Then, try to reflect the emotions back to the person to communicate understanding and connection. You can do this with facial expressions and body language, as well as with naming an emotion directly.

Finally, inasmuch as you are able, attempt to maintain a posture of nonjudgment toward yourself and others, and refrain from being reactive. This will enable you to be more genuinely curious about who the person is and what they are actually communicating rather than getting lost in your own preconceived judgments or projections. That way, you will be able to hear others on their own terms.

Try one of these tools today! I bet you’ll be delighted at the response you receive.

The Art of Listening: What's the big deal...why is it important to be a good listener?

Why does listening matter?

We converse with others on a daily basis - it is one of the most normal things we do as human beings. This means that we hear what other people are saying (at least some of the time!).

Yet what would happen if we really, truly, tried to be a good listener in these interactions?

Listening forms the substance of all relationships - family, friends, coworkers, people we encounter daily. Our ability or willingness to listen - or lack thereof - plays a significant role in the quality of our relationships. Our interactions with others have a direct impact on our mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being.

Think about the last time you fought with a loved one or had conflict at work. I’m willing to bet this affected you on many levels. Did it affect your emotions? Your thoughts? Your sleep?

Our relationships are also the means by which we give and receive love, we know and are known. In my opinion, this is the primary purpose of life. So, listening to people we are in relationship with affects everything. Listening is our ability to communicate care to another. Listening says, “You are valuable. You are important. You are worthy of my attention.”

Philosopher Simone Veil wrote that, “Attention is the rarest and purist form of generosity.” When we give our undivided attention to another, we give an uncommon gift that has a powerful impact. We may never know the full weight of this experience for another person, but we can trust that the space we are creating for them is making a difference.

Try listening well to someone today, and see what happens!

The Art of Listening: Who is in control: the person talking, or the person listening?

I’ve been asked this question before, and it’s a tricky one!

Sometimes in conversations with unhealthy people, there can be an underlying power dynamic. You can feel like someone is vying for control over you or your life by trying to get you to believe or behave in a certain way.

So, whether the speaker or the listener is in control really depends on the context. It also depends on what you mean by “control.”

Someone may try to take “control” of a conversation by not listening well and instead trying to dominate. However, they may not reap any benefits of this depending on the other person’s reaction. If you are able to stay grounded, speak what is true to you, interject where you see fit, and not become emotionally reactive in this type of conversation, the other person will not be able to have that kind of power over you.

Many people don’t know this, but you always have power in a conversation. The difference lies in whether or not you are aware of it. Once you become aware of your own power, you can either choose to keep it or give it away.

On the other hand, the listener can exert a positive kind of control in a conversation. Good listening coupled with asking intentional questions can serve to guide someone to a deeper level of self-awareness. So, in that case, the listener is in “control” as the one who steers the conversation in a certain direction.

Yet, in any healthy and life-giving conversation, the point is not to control the other person!

Rather, the point is to empower the speaker to access their own agency in any given situation. Agency refers to your own power to know yourself, to come to your own conclusions, and to act decisively in the world around you.

That being said, in a healthy conversation, the listener can actually help you take more control over some aspects of your own life, whether or not you are aware of it.

Imagine that kind of power!

The Art of Listening: What are some telltale signs you are being listened to, or not?

“Why aren’t you listening to me??”

We’ve all felt that frustration - you are trying to communicate with someone in your life, and you just don’t feel like you are getting through to them. Sometimes this is obvious; sometimes it is more subtle.

As a therapist, it’s my job to help you become more aware of yourself, and others, during conversations. I help you move from being overly concerned with how others might experience or perceive yourself, to actually being in the reality of the conversation and what you yourself are experiencing.

But how exactly do you tell if someone is listening to you, or not?

There are the more obvious body language signs, like lack of eye contact or if the person’s body is turned away from yours. if the other person is engaged with another task while talking (such as looking on their cell phone), he or she may not be giving you their full attention.

In a conversation where good listening is taking place, there will be mutuality - a give and take by each person. There will be open-ended questions that require more reflection than just a “yes or no” answer. At the same time, if you are not fully able to finish your thought without being interrupted, or if the person tries to finish their sentence for you, you are probably not being listened to well.

Finally, on a deeper level, you should pay attention to what you are experiencing internally during the conversation. So much of good listening has to do with emotional attunement. This means that someone can reflect the emotions you are communicating back to you. If they are not doing this, you may feel frustrated, agitated, unsettled, or a number of other uncomfortable emotions.

On the contrary, when you are being listened to, you will feel more comfortable emotions, such as peace, safety, openness, happiness, and connection.

So, let’s lean in, put away our phones, and give one another the rare and beautiful gift of our full attention and presence!

The Art of Listening: A natural ability or a learned skill?

As a counselor, I spend much of my time listening. I deeply enjoy listening to women wrestle through the complexities of life, and I still find myself in awe that this is my job!

Growing up, I often found myself in the role of listener. It’s always come easily to me because of my personality type. At the same time, I have also had to work at it. In graduate school, I had to refine my listening skills through much reading, practice, and self-exploration.

Recently someone asked me if being a good listener is a natural ability or a learned skill. I think that’s a fascinating question worth exploring.

The short answer is that I believe both are true. I think some people’s personality types make them more inclined to want to listen more than talk. At the same time, I think we all have an innate capacity to listen well. The difference lies in the degree to which we have tapped into that capacity.

Some of this has to do with your family of origin. What kind of listening - or lack of listening - was modeled for you by the people around you growing up? Some people have consistent experience of being listened to deeply by others, so they are easily able to offer others such presence. Others may not have had such experiences, but they may have learned to listen well as a way to survive a broken family.

The good news is that, regardless of what your story is, you can develop the skills to both tap into your natural capacity and refine these skills practically in the real world. This starts with learning to listen to yourself - being genuinely curious about what you are experiencing at any given moment. The more you can listen to yourself in this way, the more you will be able to hold space for other people.

Helping you learn to listen to yourself is one of the most important (and exciting!) things I help women do in the counseling room. The natural outgrowth of this is that you will become a better listener to others by default in the real world - friends, family, significant others, strangers…

This is yet another reason why counseling is such a powerful, enriching, and rewarding process, and why I do what I do!

The Three C's of Resiliency

Do you often experience stress? Do you become anxious about the fact that you experiencing stress, which results in even more stress? 

It's a spiral that most of us are all-too-familiar with.

How do you keep anxiety at bay? It is possible to be resilient and act from your true self in any situation, no matter how stressful. This transformation can occur when we learn how to respond well to stress.

Research has shown that the most salient influence on the way we handle stress are psychological factors. More specifically, the way we think.

What we believe about what we experience and feel is a crucial factor in our capacity for resilience. In other words, how we think about hardships, our abilities, and the future have a significant influence on how we cope with stress in the moment.

People who function well in the midst of psychological and physical stress hold the following three beliefs in common:

1. Commitment
2. Control
3. Challenge

1. Commitment: You can increase your resiliency by adopting the stance that what you do is important. Thus, you can remain committed to things in your life because you recognize that you do have influence. In short, you know your own power – that your life matters.
2. Control: While you are not in control of your life in a cosmic sense, it is vital to understand that you can shape certain outcomes. You are not merely a passive recipient of events in your life; on the contrary, you can actively participate with God to impact how things turn out. You know your own agency.
3. Challenge: You can view potentially stressful situations as a challenge to be taken on rather than as a threat that is somehow a danger to you. You are therefore not afraid of any stress you may undergo.

When we practice changing our beliefs, we can grow our resiliency. Give it a try today! 

(This post is adapted from Reaching In…Reaching Out: An Introduction to Resilient Thinking from an Integrated Seminar I attended at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary.)

14 Characteristics of Highly Resilient People

Resiliency is our capacity for groundedness, the sense that everything will ultimately be okay regardless of what we are going through. 

But what does resiliency actually look like? How can we tell if we have arrived?

People who possess a high degree of resiliency usually embody the following fourteen characteristics:

1. They aren’t afraid of pain because they know that pain won’t kill them even though what they are going through is incredibly difficult. They don’t have to feel happy all of the time. They don’t consider happiness to be the mark of a good life. Their attitude toward pain and pleasure is pragmatic. They do not catastrophize.

2. They have a pragmatic attitude toward deprivation: they know it won’t kill you. You can go without. Material things don’t matter that much.

3. They don’t have to have highs or high adrenaline to enjoy life. They are reluctant to be addicted to anything. They can delay gratification.

4. They aren’t into control. They are able to cooperate and be on a team; they don’t have to be in charge. They tend to think, “This is what has to be done, so I’ll see what I need to do.” They aren’t afraid of responsibility. They’re not attached to having a position. They see that their effort counts, but it’s not the only effort that matters. They are not passive and helpless, but instead are active.

5. They are context-conscious: they know that they are only part of a story, not the center of it. They know that if they are to survive, they must be attached to something larger than they are. For Christians, the context is God’s story.

6.  They have a high level of self-knowledge and self-awareness. They are non-defensive. They know their strengths and their weaknesses, so they don’t spend a lot of time in navel-gazing. They are not self-preoccupied, not narcissistic. They accept themselves as they are.

7. They are satisfied with partial results, common sense. They are practical about their achievements. Things don’t have to be perfect. They do what they can, giving something their best shot and moving on. They settle for less than perfection. They follow the Rule of Good-Enough.

8. They are givers, not hoarders. They are open and generous.

9. They have a pragmatic hope, believing and saying, “It’s not over ‘til it’s over.” They have hope.

10. They accept responsibility for themselves. They are their own bottom-line, saying “someday isn’t a day of the week. It would be nice if someone would help me, but no one is here, so I’ll see what I can do. I will see how to rescue myself.” Resilient people are don't complain, but are practical, cooperative people. They don’t have to have full equipment for a task. They know how to use whatever they have.

11. They have an ability to enjoy a second choice: If I can’t go on Monday, I’ll go on Tuesday.

12. They can laugh at themselves comfortably.

13. They have the ability to restart after they have failed. They can pick up the pieces and start again. Failure can teach new skills. They know that “If I fall down, that just means that I fell down.”

14. They tend to be foul-weather friends. They go toward trouble to help; they’re not party people. They move close to people when there is a need. It’s as though the resilient person gives you plenty of space to do your thing, but will keep an eye on you in case you get into trouble.

Reading through this list with an openness to yourself and without judging yourself is in itself a practice of resiliency. As you assess yourself honestly, ask God to reveal your weak areas and bring healing so that you are more and more able to say, “It will be okay. I’ve got this,” in every area of life!