Loneliness: When is it a problem?

For most people, loneliness is a scary concept. Many people go to great lengths to avoid feeling lonely. The thought of it can seem unbearable. 

Our culture sends the message that to be lonely – especially to be without a romantic partner – is both sad and shameful. That being said, the only way to rectify this is to try to meet and secure a partner as soon as possible. Embracing singleness to get to know yourself, even if it is only for a season, is largely considered unappealing. Why would one choose do this with so many online dating platforms are just a few clicks away?

Yet to be alone with yourself is actually an important experience to have. Indeed, loneliness reflects the reality of our condition as human beings – at the end of the day, each one of us is essentially alone. Regardless of if you are married, dating, or single, you are the only one who can sit with your thoughts, emotions, and inner experience. No other person has access to you in this way, or can take all of your feelings of loneliness away. Indeed, it is possible to be in a marriage or other close relationship and still feel completely alone.

Loneliness is inextricably tied to mental health. On the one hand, people often come to counseling because they feel lonely and want that feeling to go away. Yet, what they really need is to learn how to actually be with themselves – to enjoy their own company and not to fear their inner experience. They need to learn how to be with their pain and cultivate a healthy sense of solitude. 

When we do not know how to be alone with ourselves, we will anxiously grasp and cling to people in our lives for acceptance and validation. When we are at peace with our aloneness, however, we will be able to relate to others from a place of freedom and respect for their uniqueness. 

On the other hand, some people come to counseling because they do not know now to create and sustain healthy relationships, so they are experiencing loneliness in the form of unhealthy isolation. In this case, they need to learn how to reach out to others, to show up authentically in relationships, and to build community. 

Loneliness becomes a problem when we do not have or seek out meaningful connections with other people. Without healthy relationships, we lose sight of who we are. We become turned in on ourselves and wither, which can lead to depression and other mental health issues. The poet John Donne writes that “No man is an island”; indeed, we were made to truly know and depend on one another. 

As human beings, we are designed and wired for community. We need relationships in order to learn who we are and locate ourselves in the world. People who know us well reflect our truest selves back to us, so we can see ourselves clearly. Life-giving relationships help us grow into who we were made to be and are a crucial aspect of mental health. 

 So, if you find yourself feeling lonely, do the following: 

·      Resist the temptation to run away from yourself. Try to be with your loneliness – your emotions, thoughts, and inner experience with curiosity and nonjudgment. 

·      Journal about your emotions and thoughts. Let yourself cry if you need to. Let yourself feel pain – it won’t last forever. You have to “feel it to heal it.”

·      Do things you enjoy, with yourself! Try new things. Be curious about the possibility of enjoying your own company.

·      Reach out to people, and try to be as authentically yourself as possible. Try to form meaningful connections. Seek out relationships with people who listen well, who show they care, and who make you feel good about yourself.

·      Educate yourself on how to have healthy relationships. Read books and articles, and talk to people who know who are also trying to be healthy. 

·      Seek out counseling. A skilled counselor can help you explore the root of your loneliness and help you learn how to cultivate peace within yourself and healthy relationships. 

Featured Columnist: What to do when you are emotionally compatible with your partner but encounter sexual issues

My husband Tim was recently featured as a Relationship Expert columnist for the website Deep Soulful Love! The website is specifically for women navigating tough questions about relationships and longing to experience healthy romance.

In this column, Tim writes about the complex question of what to do when you are emotionally compatible with your partner but encounter sexual issues.

Here is a preview:

“In relationships, emotional and physical connection go hand in hand. 

That is why it can feel frustrating and confusing when you feel close to your partner yet still encounter sexual issues.

The question of whether you are sexually compatible with your partner is more nuanced than you might think, and it goes beyond a simple “yes” or “no” answer. 

Rather, you can begin by gaining a fuller understanding of how your own sexual desire and arousal system works. 

Sex educator Emily Nagoski refers to the Dual Control Model, or your sexual response system, to understand sexual difficulties in relationships. 

The Dual Control Model says that we have both a sexual excitation system (SES) and a sexual inhibition system (SIS) – things that turn us on and turn us off. 

Nagoski uses the metaphor of accelerators (SES) and brakes (SIS) – things that either increase or decrease your arousal. 

• For instance, accelerators might be physical aspects of your partner, such as how he looks or smells, as well as emotional qualities such as how he treats you. 

• Similarly, brakes might be some aspects of physical appearance, bad habits, performance anxiety, relational conflict, risks associated with being sexual (such as fear or STIs), or past negative sexual experiences. 

When you are turned on, your SES identifies sexually relevant information in the environment, or things that hit your accelerator. 

When you are turned off, your SIS identifies aspects of your environment that counteract sexuality, or things that hit your brakes. 

In either situation, your brain takes in things that you see, hear, touch, taste, smell, or imagine and sends signals to your genitals to either become aroused or avoid arousal. 

Basically, your body is designed to let you know whether or not it is an opportune time for sexuality.

That said, when you think you are sexually incompatible with your partner, it may be that you are simply experiencing more brakes than accelerators.”

Want to read more? Click here!

Featured Columnist: He pulled away when things got serious

I’m excited to be featured again as a Relationship Expert columnist for the website Deep Soulful Love! The website is specifically for women navigating tough questions about relationships and longing to experience healthy romance.

In this column, I explore what might be going on when your partner pulls away from a serious, committed relationship.

Here is a preview:

“When your partner pulls away from a serious relationship, you may feel frustrated and disheartened. After all, it takes significant time, energy, and emotional investment to reach this level of commitment. 

The stereotype of the “commitment phobic” man in pop culture is all too common, and many women can just as easily fit into this category. But where does this idea come from? 

 One explanation derives from Attachment Theory: you develop your blueprint for relationships from the kind of relationship you had with your parents, or your “attachment” figures. The way your primary caregiver responded, or didn’t respond, to you in your early years determines whether you believe your needs will be met in relationships. These core beliefs shape how you interact with others and the types of relationships you choose. 

More specifically, we are drawn to romantic relationships that mimic the dynamic we had with our attachment figures. For instance, if your mother was emotionally unavailable, you may choose a partner who cannot meet your needs. If your father redirects conversations towards himself, you may choose a partner who has narcissistic tendencies. We seek out what feels familiar to us because we grew up believing it was not only normal, but also that it was love.”

 Click here to read the full article! Enjoy!

Featured Columnist: How to walk away from a relationship when you still love them

I’m excited to be featured as a Relationship Expert columnist for the website Deep Soulful Love! The website is specifically for women navigating tough questions about relationships and longing to experience healthy romance.

In this column, I explore the complicated question of what to do when you know you should leave a relationship but still have feelings for your partner.

Here is a preview:

“If you want to leave the man you love, you are likely experiencing a range of emotions. You may feel sure of your decision one minute, only to question yourself the next.

This is understandable – this decision carries weight. At the same time, it will be important for you to understand your emotions so that you are not paralyzed by them. Emotions are neither positive nor negative; they simply give us information about what we need.  

Consult an emotions list. Identify the emotions you feel, and write them down. Try to notice your emotions with curiosity and without judgment, and to accept whatever you are experiencing without trying to change it. Research suggests that naming your emotions makes them less overwhelming.

Once you acknowledge your emotions, you will have more mental clarity. If you want to leave, there are things about the relationship that have not been working for you, or even that have harmed you.

The key is helping yourself stay grounded in the reality of your experience, particularly if your partner tries to talk you out of leaving or to invalidate your experience. Recall your reasons logically and stick to them, especially if your partner is manipulative or abusive.

Ask yourself: is this really love? You understandably have an attachment to this person that come from shared history.

At the same time, physical involvement releases chemicals in the brain that cause feelings of infatuation and connection that are reinforced by pop culture’s images of flawless romance. However, you may unknowingly construct a fantasy image of your partner and overlook the reality of how he is actually behaving or treating you.”

Click here to read the full article! Enjoy!

The Myth of True Love

Here is another awesome guest post from my husband, Tim Horvath! I had the privilege of collaborating with him on this piece, and we believe these ideas are incredibly timely for our cultural moment.

Tim specializes in couples’ therapy and sex therapy through the Carolina Sexual Wellness Center, right down the street from my office. He also has a private practice called Living Room Therapy where he does in-home therapy as a more convenient option for busy couples and families.

In this piece, we explore the history of “true love” and how our culture shapes our expectations for romantic relationships. We also unpack what real intimacy is and the purpose of marriage. If you’ve ever questioned the kind of love depicted in Disney movies, this post is for you!

Here is a sneak peak!

“The myth of true love is in and of itself ancient. However, in our modern Western society it has taken its place as the ultimate virtue. Today, there is a widespread belief that the greatest reason to have intimate relationships or to get married is to attain this kind of love, and by default to pursue happiness. The majority of current romance films and novels will reveal this theme. At the same time, the greatest reason to sever relational ties or to divorce is thought to be a loss of love or unhappiness.”

Want to read more? Me, too! To read the full post, click here.

Sex is a Mirror

I’ll be interrupting my blog series on Shame with two guest posts from my husband, Tim Horvath!

Tim specializes in couples’ therapy and sex therapy through the Carolina Sexual Wellness Center, right down the street from my office. He also has a private practice called Living Room Therapy where he does in-home therapy as a more convenient option for busy couples and families.

In this post, he explores how sex has a powerful connection to our identity, whether we realize it or not. He likens sex to a mirror in that it reveals deeper aspects of who we are.

Read the sneak peek below!

“Sex is a particularly powerful mirror. In our sexuality, our behaviors, emotions, internal experiences, and relationships converge. When we engage in sexual activity, we are invited to take an honest look at ourselves. Sex is one of the most vulnerable, intimate, and revealing acts a person can participate in. It’s not just something we do – an isolated act – and it doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Indeed, our sexuality unearths aspects of our identity that we may not have been aware of before…”

Intrigued? Me, too! To read the full post, click here.

Healing from Shame: Where does it come from?

We all feel shame sometimes. Some of us feel it more deeply than others.

Maybe your boyfriend breaks up with you and you can’t deal with your overwhelming sense of rejection, so you immediately create an online dating profile. Shame.

Maybe you become aware of a hot feeling in your face in an embarrassing situation, but you are quick to push it out of your awareness. You force yourself to smile and laugh because you can’t stand the discomfort. Shame.

Perhaps you harbor so many thoughts of worthlessness that you don’t even want to get out of bed in the morning. Shame.

As I said in my last post, shame is multidimensional - it is an emotion, a physical sensation, and a system of beliefs. We all carry shame, but few of us know how to recognize it and what to do with it when we do feel it. And when we do experience it, it can feel so unbearable that the temptation is to try to get rid of it by whatever means possible.

The problem is that shame does not go away if you try to suppress it. Instead, it stays buried deep within your mind, your body, and your heart, and it may even intensify. Research has actually found that the more you try to resist negative thoughts, for instance, the more prevalent they will become. At the same time, if we aren’t conscious of our shame, it may begin to shape our motivations for acting in our relationships and in the world around us.

Instead of shutting shame out of our awareness, we need to welcome it into our conscious experience. We need to view shame as information that something within us has been wounded and needs our attention and care. We need to adopt a posture of curiosity towards our shame as we explore the question: where does my shame come from?

Most of our shame usually comes from experiences we had or messages we received in childhood. Children do not experience the world in the same way as adults; they are incredibly sensitive and can experience a vast array of situations as traumatic. And at the root of all trauma is shame.

Whether our parents intended to shame us or not, our child selves can internalize shame messages, which turn into beliefs, bodily sensations, and feelings. However children do not have the psychological capacity to feel shame, or they would be completely overwhelmed. So, our bodies attempt to protect us by storing shame deep within us until we are adults and have the psychological resources to start to processing it. That is when shame begins to emerge.

Shame can also result from other types of trauma you may experience as an adult, such as sexual, physical, or relational trauma. In any case, shame from these events needs to be processed in order for you to heal and move beyond what you experienced.

In my therapy office, I help women get in touch with their shame so that it can find release. With shame and any other emotion, the reality is that the only way around it is through it. I help women gain the courage to identify and wade through their shame - the feelings, sensations, and beliefs - so that they can move beyond it.

I’m convinced that this is perhaps the most important and powerful process that anyone can go through! When you are aware of your shame, it becomes less scary and threatening. When you become comfortable with it, you can hold a magnifying glass up to it and explore where it came from. As a result, you gain more self-understanding and no longer act from it subconsciously.

I love seeing women become more grounded, more free, and more whole as they begin to heal from shame. No matter how old you are, it is never too late to enter into this rich and life-changing journey!

Healing from Shame: What is it?

Shame.

Just saying the word might make you cringe! Shame is something that all of us have felt, whether we realize it or not. In fact, shame is the shared root issue that runs through most of my clients at any given time, no matter what they initially say they are coming to therapy for.

I have read about and researched shame extensively, and I’ve had years of working through it myself! And I see it so often in the therapy room that I thought it would be helpful to start a blog series on shame to give you an introduction to what it is, why it matters, and how to start healing from it.

So first, let’s define shame. Shame is that wildly uncomfortable, even painful feeling that maybe I’m not good enough. Maybe, at my core, I am somehow defective.

Shame is an emotion and a physical sensation. Shame is also a system of beliefs and it shapes how you see yourself.

Many people often confuse shame with guilt. Guilt is the conviction that you have done something wrong, whether that is true or not. Guilt is a matter of behavior. Shame, on the other hand, is the (always) false conviction that I am wrong. Shame is a matter of identity. And even though shame is false, the pain of it can feel so real.

In my therapy office, I help women learn how to understand and tolerate the shame they feel, gain a healthy separation from it, and ultimately begin to heal from it. I cannot emphasize enough how powerful and transformational this process can be - I know from experience, and I am incredibly proud of my clients who so courageously choose to enter into it.

I hope that my posts on shame can help you start to identify and heal from any shame you may have, before you ever step foot in my office!

30 (more!) Reflections on living your best life.

When I turned 30 a few years ago, I sat down again at my laptop to reflect on the most important life lessons I had learned. I was amazed at how much more surfaced since doing this exercise at age 27! These insights come from my own therapeutic journey, my experiences in relationships, and my Christian faith. I hope they can be helpful to you, no matter where you are in your journey!

1. It is possible to do purposeful work. But purpose will never be constrained to what you do.

2. Only when you are in right relationship with your work will you be able to pursue it freely and with deep enjoyment.

3. Just because you exist you have purpose. Think about it. (Note: this is a tough one.)

4. You have purpose because you have the capacity to manifest the love of God. Manifesting is not an ability that you can achieve; it is a gift you can receive.

5. The most important relationship you will ever have is with your self. (Note: this is related to having a relationship with God.)

6. You can know God to the extent that you know your self.

7. The more you are able to be present with yourself – showing your self compassion and care – the more you will be able to offer that same presence to others.

8. Only when you accept yourself – all parts of yourself – can you begin to transform.

9. God can help you love parts of your self that are difficult to love. All you have to do is ask.

10. “Selflessness” is not the same thing as self-negation. You must have a well-developed self in order to offer it freely to another.

11. You must create space to care for your self in order to care for others well. The latter is not possible without the former.

12. Having a well-developed self means trusting your perceptions.

13. Trusting your perceptions in any given situation is one of the most important things you can learn how to do. (Especially as a woman. We have a harder time because of how we are socialized.)

14. Your feelings are important. They give you information.

15. If you feel a particularly intense emotion, it signifies the need for action. Either take a step into the situation, or take a step back from it.

16. Accepting the reality of any situation is the best thing you can do for yourself. No matter how uncomfortable or painful something is, there will always be gifts. Look for them.

17. Pay attention to your body. Our bodies store memories, feelings, and experiences that have much to teach us about ourselves.

18. Your body is your friend, an agent of healing and grace – not something to fight against.

19. Your calling isn’t a fixed entity you need to work towards. You can be called to different things in different seasons. What freedom!

20. There are many voices influencing you – friends, parents, culture, media, God, yourself – like dials on a stereo. You can choose to turn the volume up or down on any of them. Choose wisely.

21. Vocation is less about making your life than about listening to your life. It’s more about receiving than doing.

22. Particulars are more powerful, and more important, than abstractions.

23. Things like “love” and “compassion” must always be considered in light of particular situations and relationships. Their meanings can vary accordingly.

24. Jesus lived a particular, incarnate life. He asks us to do the same.

25. Living an incarnate life means attending to what is actually around you, rather than escaping into what could be or should be.

26. Living in incarnate life means investing in the people who are actually around you. Those real, messy, imperfect people – they are it.

27. There is no such thing as the “autonomous individual.” We are all interdependent, whether we realize it or not.

28. Vulnerability is not the same thing as depending on other people. You can talk about your problems with another while still protecting yourself from true need of that person.

29. Admitting that you really need someone can be scary and difficult. But that is what makes true intimacy possible.

30. Take time to be silent before God. Revel in the Mystery. It’s the most productive thing you’ll ever do.

27 Reflections on living your best life.

Years ago, when I turned 27, I tried to encapsulate some of the most important life lessons I had learned. Some of them are about life in general; some stem from my Christian faith. I hope these can inspire you, no matter where you are in your journey!

1. Learning to differentiate between work and rest – and allowing yourself regular time for rest apart from sleep – is imperative.

2. Creating regular, intentional time to do what you love – biking, crafting, cooking, whatever it may be – will help you keep perspective and stay in touch with yourself.

3. Exploring new places can be fun, but learning to be content where you are is essential. The grass is not necessarily greener.

4. Taking time to gaze into the sky or meditate on the moon each day can have a surprising effect on your perspective.

5. Meaningful community is crucial to your wellbeing. You were created for relationship.

6. Meaningful community takes time to cultivate. Lots of time.

7. The time you take to cultivate community is worth every minute.

8. Friendships after college require intentionality.

9. Self-care is not selfish. Caring for yourself helps you care for others.

10. You can only love others well to the degree that you love yourself.

11. You will be able to love yourself authentically when you receive God’s love for you. (Note: this can be difficult.)

12. Loving yourself authentically is a process, and it involves differentiating between healthy self-love and pride.

13. Comparing yourself to other people is one of the greatest hindrances to self-love, and therefore to receiving God’s love.

14. Knowing your needs and acting on them is empowering and frees you from resenting other people.

15. It is good to experience a period of loneliness (even though it doesn’t feel good at the time).

16. It is only when you make peace with your inner solitude – the knowledge that no person can ever fully know all of you – that you can be in right relation to other people.

17. The fact that God knows all of you is pretty unbelievable. But when you are finally able to believe it, you will be able to entrust every part of your life to God’s care.

18. Trusting God daily is really hard. But it is worth the effort.

19. Sometimes, not needing to understand can be freeing. Not needing to understand leads you to a posture of surrender; surrender leads you to God.

20. God is nearest when you are going through something hard, and when you feel pain.

21. What you want is often different from what you need. God knows what you need.

22. You are only as strong as your admitted weakness.

23. You are only as strong as your dependence on God in your admitted weakness.

24. You are enough as you are.

25. You will be able to believe you are enough as you are when you are satisfied with what God has for you. You will be enough for God when God is enough for you.

26. Courage is something God gives you when you decide to trust. It doesn’t mean not feeling afraid.

27. Following your own path can feel scary at times, but living into a life that is authentic to who you are is worth the fear – it is now and will be many years from now.