The Art of Listening: Who is in control: the person talking, or the person listening?

I’ve been asked this question before, and it’s a tricky one!

Sometimes in conversations with unhealthy people, there can be an underlying power dynamic. You can feel like someone is vying for control over you or your life by trying to get you to believe or behave in a certain way.

So, whether the speaker or the listener is in control really depends on the context. It also depends on what you mean by “control.”

Someone may try to take “control” of a conversation by not listening well and instead trying to dominate. However, they may not reap any benefits of this depending on the other person’s reaction. If you are able to stay grounded, speak what is true to you, interject where you see fit, and not become emotionally reactive in this type of conversation, the other person will not be able to have that kind of power over you.

Many people don’t know this, but you always have power in a conversation. The difference lies in whether or not you are aware of it. Once you become aware of your own power, you can either choose to keep it or give it away.

On the other hand, the listener can exert a positive kind of control in a conversation. Good listening coupled with asking intentional questions can serve to guide someone to a deeper level of self-awareness. So, in that case, the listener is in “control” as the one who steers the conversation in a certain direction.

Yet, in any healthy and life-giving conversation, the point is not to control the other person!

Rather, the point is to empower the speaker to access their own agency in any given situation. Agency refers to your own power to know yourself, to come to your own conclusions, and to act decisively in the world around you.

That being said, in a healthy conversation, the listener can actually help you take more control over some aspects of your own life, whether or not you are aware of it.

Imagine that kind of power!