“Why aren’t you listening to me??”
We’ve all felt that frustration - you are trying to communicate with someone in your life, and you just don’t feel like you are getting through to them. Sometimes this is obvious; sometimes it is more subtle.
As a therapist, it’s my job to help you become more aware of yourself, and others, during conversations. I help you move from being overly concerned with how others might experience or perceive yourself, to actually being in the reality of the conversation and what you yourself are experiencing.
But how exactly do you tell if someone is listening to you, or not?
There are the more obvious body language signs, like lack of eye contact or if the person’s body is turned away from yours. if the other person is engaged with another task while talking (such as looking on their cell phone), he or she may not be giving you their full attention.
In a conversation where good listening is taking place, there will be mutuality - a give and take by each person. There will be open-ended questions that require more reflection than just a “yes or no” answer. At the same time, if you are not fully able to finish your thought without being interrupted, or if the person tries to finish their sentence for you, you are probably not being listened to well.
Finally, on a deeper level, you should pay attention to what you are experiencing internally during the conversation. So much of good listening has to do with emotional attunement. This means that someone can reflect the emotions you are communicating back to you. If they are not doing this, you may feel frustrated, agitated, unsettled, or a number of other uncomfortable emotions.
On the contrary, when you are being listened to, you will feel more comfortable emotions, such as peace, safety, openness, happiness, and connection.
So, let’s lean in, put away our phones, and give one another the rare and beautiful gift of our full attention and presence!